Between the End and Where We Lie

sometimes you just have to start from scratch.

that’s how i feel when i think back on the Christian that i have become.  There are times that I’m just truly on fire and other times it’s like I never even knew who Jesus is.

sometimes you just have to start from scratch.

jenny was gone last weekend so i went and checked out a new church, rivertree in downtown lincoln.  it was a really nice venue-i love going to concerts there-great worship music, really nice people.  after i left, i began thinking, maybe it’s not my problem with the churches i attend, maybe it’s just simply me that has the problem.  When I go to church, normaly if there is really good music, I get the warm fuzzies and I love God whole heartedly for a few minutes. Then I leave and begin with my dirty mouth, my inappropriateness, and my lack of grace towards others.

sometimes you just have to start from scratch.

But how do you do that?  How do you come clean from the person you are and plant new seed and grow in more fertile soil.  In one of Jesus’s parables, he talks about needing to hear without understanding so that the faithful will be planted in fertile soil and others can see how the faithful prosper.  I definitely don’t think I’m one that Jesus would point out and say “see, he has stood with me through thick and thin-he is what a follower should look like.” Not that He would do that, but just saying.

So how do I shed this skin?  How do I live a more healthy and full life with my feet firmly planted in a solid foundation?

I think i’m going to have to rid my life of the things that keep me from seeing the beauty of our God.  I think I must also rid myself of the anger and contempt that I have for people and certain situations.  I must also rid myself of an attitude of a lackadaisical Christ follower.  Easier said than done im sure.

But sometimes you just have to start from scratch.

Holy crap i’m a married man working for a bank software company, a townhouse, two dogs….and all of this happened within 6 months!!  I try to step back and figure out how the heck all of this happened, and so quickly.  Thinking back to my freshman year I would have never pictured myself in this situation at 25.  I found myself in Boston/Raleigh working for a huge sports company going out every night, drinkin drinks, and having the scent of hot blonde on me in the morning.  Fast forward to September 11th, 2007.  That life sounds like a 18 year olds fantasy.  My life, besides the nagging financial issues, is perfect.  I love my wife whom I married over 2 months ago and everything that comes with marriage.  I won’t completely go into those details, but I can tell you just how beautiful life can be waking up with a beautiful face lying next to you.  it’s beautiful.

Now lets concentrate on the faith of a 25 year old male who has a full time job where he travels, trying to house train a puppy, and spending as much time as his wife to develop that relationship.  It’s not as beautiful.  My faith is definitely the one thing that has taken a hit since becoming a married man.  it is by no means jenny’s fault and in no way should she feel bad about it (hint hint) but i need to figure a way to balance it all out.

I think part of it has to do with not really being comfortable with the church here.  We have found a church community in Boston called “Reunion” that I just absolutely click with.  It seems like each sermon has been written just for me.  We listen to their podcasts pretty regularly and I can’t wait to be out there with them.   I’m not going to use not having a church i’m comfortable with as an excuse not to grow in my faith.  I have found a pretty awesome group of guys through Jenny’s work, Christian Student Fellowship, that i have really developed some great relationships with.  One gentleman, Tim, is just like me but cooler.  We can be real with each other, which is good because I hate it when people put on their “christian face.”

But it’s almost as if I’m not challenged here.  Maybe i’m not putting myself in the position to be challenged.   maybe i need to quit being a pansy and stop making excuses.  I want to grow, i want to grow with my wife.  I need to figure out how to be the husband that Christ intended me to be.

I think about these lyrics a lot by my favorite band (who is becoming not my favorite band since they’re only taking a 1 hour stop in the united states for a tour)  But i think about how i know Christ and i know of his love, but i lose his face in the crowd, in the busy hectic fuzziness that life has become.  I need to get to the point where I’ll just walk away with Him.

Enjoy

PS-GO HUSKERS!!!

Blindside-Ask me Now

And so one morning just before dawn you came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in your hand
As the moist air up to your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw your lips move
Asking: did you lose something?
I stood glued to the window

I”ve never tried blogging without music.  music is the source that drives me.  it pumps my blood, it drives my heart, and it moves my mind in ways only i can imagine.  and now as i try to type without music, my fingers don’t like it as i’ve hit backspace more times in the last 2 sentences than the yankees have lost this season.  and trust me, that’s a lot!  but i’m not here to brag about my sox being 7 games up and barely 2 months into the season.  no no….i’m here to talk about hope.  I’m here to talk about grace.  And I’m here to talk about unconditional love.

Going into marriage, Jenny and I both knew that financially things would be tight for a while.  We anticipated it, we expected it, we definately didn’t embrace it.  As of right now, Jenny and myself have 0 dollars to our name until Tuesday.  We are definitely in the proverbial space between a rock and a hard place.  Seeing Jenny cry should be motivation enough to crunch pennies, donate blood, and steal change from the homeless.  I hate it.  I hate it worse than seeing Dice-K lose horribly at home after dropping 102 million on him.  So there’s nothing we can do but pray.  We can pray tight with our eyes closed before bed, we pray silently with our foreheads together to merge a super prayer straight up on the prayer super highway.  No matter how we do it…we pray.  And just when it seems like we put our last dollar into our gastank, as soon as the rock nudges tighter against that hard place, sunshine breaks the darkness.

Our prayers were answered this week.  Until the day I die, I will declare prayer as my saving grace.  Prayer to our Lord.  So many things were given to us this week when we thought we had nothing at all.  Tuesday night, Lanae bought us dinner at noodles & company.  Wednesday night, the Green Gateau fed us after we picked our rehearsal dinner/reception food (a $70 dollar value) and today my friend Matt bought me lunch at Famous Daves.  My mother for Jenny’s Bridal Shower gift gave her a $55 dollar ticket to see Beth Moore speak in Omaha, something jenny has been looking forward to for a very long time. We were shown grace by those we love.

Prayer separates the tightness of that tiny space between the rock and the hard place.  That space doesn’t seem so tight anymore.  We got through it.  But it makes me think…do I notice enough to help bring that same love & grace to those around me?  Do I see a place where a warm meal is needed, a concert ticket that could bring joy to someone, or a tank of gas that needs filled.  do I see these things or am I too blinded by my own misfortunes?  Today I pray not for me, not for my wallet, or not for things that can benefit me…but I pray that my body, my checkbook, and my kitchen, can be a tool to those who need it.    I want to do unto others as they have done unto me (see: golden rule) As long as I can remember, I”ve always noticed the people who have had misfortunes.  An old man eating dinner alone, an elderly woman carrying sacks of groceries.  I need to quit being such a pansy and step up and help.  I see them and hope I dont offend them by helping out…making them feel helpless.  I guess it’s the chance I’ll take to show others the grace i’ve been shown.

So as I wrap up this musicless blog, I thank those who have helped us during this ridiculously difficult time.  Most of the people who helped will never read this.  But know that my heart is with all of you.

—and i have a wicked, hardcore coffeebuzz

i take my fiancee for granted.

that’s a sentence that i never ever thought i’d say.  back when we were still in the “honeymoon” phase i promised her that i would never ever take her for granted.  i started this new job where i have to travel.  when i’m in a new environment every few weeks all i long for is her.  she’s all i think about to get me through the day.  each day that passes is a day closer to her.  i am currently in houston, anxiously awaiting the alarm to go off, the quick 3 hour trip to the bank, then a flight back to my love.   Here are ten things that I love about her, things that make Friday on travel weeks the best days of my life.

10) Her laugh-how young and carefree it is.

9) Her soft skin & the way her soft cheek snuggles against mine when she goes in for a kiss

Her eyes & the way they light up when I come home

7) Her humor, the way she calls herself j-bone & how we can laugh at each other

6) That beautiful smile, I can always tell when she’s at her happiest

5) The fact she loves to snuggle

4)  She never judges me.

3)  Everything that she does for me, just because she loves me.

2) Her supportiveness of me.

1) That brown curly hair that our little girl will have.

I miss you sweetheart.  I’m sorry that I can be a jerk sometimes.  I will see you tomorrow.

You’re in my heart baby :)  I love you

I really love spring. There are so many beautiful things that make you feel so alive during this time. The trees are starting to come back to life, people are at the parks with their dogs and frisbees, and there are as many couples picnicking as there are children chasing after ice cream trucks. but the best part about spring that makes me feel alive is…OPENING DAY!!

Baseball makes me feel alive. It truly is a sport that makes you feel 12 years old again with your beat up glove and dirty ball caps. Baseball is parents lined up on metal bleachers cheering their hearts out for you. Baseball is coolers full of soda cans for little leaguers. Baseball is hot dogs (fenway franks!!) peanuts & cracker jacks. Baseball is blue skies and green grass. Baseball is faith. Baseball is 9 men pouring their hearts and souls out into a game for 60,000 fans that are pouring their hearts and souls right back out for them! Baseball is our nation’s past time. Baseball is the heartbeat of this country!
As I sit here with the national championship basketball game on tv, all I can think about are the grass stained pants and cleats digging into the dirt. God created so many beautiful things, but I think one of his greatest creations for us to enjoy is the game i’ve known since i was old enough to walk.

Opening day is a new chance. 162 games to prove you are the best. 162 days where you leave everything you have onto a grass & dirt diamond inside a chain link fence. Everybody has their alliances with a specific team…I have mine, but it’s more than the name on the front & back of the jersey. It’s about hope…giving your all for the great reward awaiting you in late October.

I think if we were to live our lives for Christ the way a baseball fan lives for the game, we would all feel a lot closer to Christ. Sometimes in my faith I’m a fairweather fan. I only cheer for God when things are going my way. I’m a Red Sox fan. I’ve been to hell and back with these men. If only my faith in Christ could be that strong 100% of the time. The truth of it is, baseball and faith in Christ are two different games. Christ is always there for you, Johnny Damon will leave at the scent of a bigger paycheck. Christ loves the poor, the weak, and the unclean…Owners are getting richer and now hot dogs are so expensive that only the rich can afford them. I like to think that if Jesus were a Major League Owner, he’d own the Devil Rays or Royals and make it affordable for everyone…especially the people who aren’t fortunate enough to enjoy it 162 days a year.

This baseball season I’m going to give my team my all. I will cheer louder, I will cry harder, I will always believe. But for my God…I will defend home field with everything I have and I will never get caught looking at strike three!

This may have been the longest time i’ve gone without blogging.  I was so addicted to this when i had tons of free time but now it seems like the days fly by and now i’m less than 3 months from marrying the love of my life!  My job is going pretty well…I dont know if it’s exactly for me but it’s definately something that I can do to get Jenny and I debt free before we move out to Boston.  There is so much that I could talk about concerning my life right now, the job, the new townhouse, the honeymoon, the new bed my parents are buying us…but my heart is somewhere else lately.

My heart is currently in Africa.  I’ve been surrounded by the Invisible Children lately.  I helped at a benefit concert last week and on less than a month I’ll be sleeping under a cardboard tent somewhere in Kansas City trying to raise awareness about the horrible conditions people in Uganda are dealing with.  I want so badly to head over there and do everything I can to try to help these people out.  That’s the thing I hate about working in the Corporate world, the vacation time.  I can’t just pick up and head to Mexico or Africa to serve.  Now I understand that I don’t necessarily need to be in another country to fulfill the passions that have been given to me, I can do that right here in Lincoln Ne.  I haven’t been doing a very good job of this lately.  I miss going downtown, buying myself and my homeless buddy Dennis “the menace” a sandwich from Planet Sub and just talking about life over a warm meal.  I need to make time for the people who need to feel compassion.  But where do you find that perfect balance between work, time with jenny, and finding time to minster?

I admit that I’m a lazy guy.  When I get off of work, I like to loosen the tie, watch sportscenter and eat a nice warm meal sitting right next to jenny.  How selfish is that?  (thinking about it…i dont know if i’ve ever watched sportscenter next to jenny…haha well Rachel Ray or Golden Gilmore Girls or whatever those shows are)**female insert typical male comment here** I guess what I’m saying is that I believe that I’m meant to live a life of Ministry, of giving, and I dont know if i’ll ever feel satisfied until we reach this point.  I can tell you for sure that I definately don’t feel satisfied right now.  I want to set a goal….I dont know how I’m going to do it so any advice would be great…but at least once a day I want to show Christ’s love to somebody.  Whether it’s helping a man at a grocery store carry his bags or calling a friend just to talk and love them unconditionally.  I need to make showing the Kingdom to people a daily routine of mine.   I really slack off on that.

Anyway, my heart is currently in Africa.  It hurts my heart every single day when I think about the pain and unnecessary suffering that is happening over there.   Even though they live in a third world country, their blood runs red, they thirst, they crave, the laugh and they cry…just like we do.  if you want to get involved check out www.invisiblechildren.com  there are many things you can do!!

Until then…check out these blindside lyrics about a young african boy.  breaks my heart everytime i hear it.

Wasted disposable dying scum
Two months tops before silence replaces your small beating drum
Isn’t that what we’re all waiting for
So we can go home and celebrate our good life

But i feel gun powder
Burning under my skin
Don’t say another word
You might set off a spark
Cause i’ve got gun powder
Burning under my skin

Take me back to tv-land
Numbness is a safe zone
They never trained me for reality
I’m a reality-tv clone
Now did you say your 10 going on 11?
Something is terribly wrong
Somehow i’m dying with you

But i feel gun powder
Burning under my skin
Don’t say another word
You might set off a spark
Cause i’ve got gun powder
Burning under my skin

Yamkela
Don’t leave now

It’s hard when you spend every single day with somebody and then they’re gone for a week, you tend to be a bit lost.  Jenny being the amazing person she is, is currently leading a group of 50 on a missions trip in Saltillo Mexico.  Beautiful in everyway I know, she is my perfect fit and my hero.  The tears are still drying on her face from her nephew’s funeral and she finds the strength only in the Lord to find a way to guide her into this crazy and hectic week.

So today I had to get out of the house a bit because I was going nuts here alone.  I went and got tuxes for our dads for the wedding.  I had some spare time so I just sat down in the food court with an orange julius and watched the hoards of people standing in line for their sbarro & Great Wall chinese.  There’s a line in a Dustin Kensrue song “I believe” and the song starts with “I see your face in every child that smiles and I can’t help but rejoice.”  I saw this today, time after time with each ketchup stained child that walked by me.  It was beautiful.  Sure I was super annoyed that the mall was so packed but it was great seeing their innocence.  I began reading making sure I didn’t look like a creepy pedofile just hangin at the mall when I noticed a bright brown eyed lil beautiful girl staring at me.  I look and give a big smile and a little wave.  She was so comfortable in the arms of her mother.   She felt so safe…safe enough to try to brighten up a stranger’s day.  That really made my day.

Jenny makes me feel safe…when I’m with her, I know the rest of my life has nothing but tender loving care in store for me.   I know she’s off helping build Christ’s Kingdom, but I just wish I could be there with her.  There’s nothing more I want in life than to help build the Kingdom right by her side.  I miss her.

Please check this guy out…he’s really an amazing artist!!

Dustin Kensrue-I believe

See your face in every child that smiles

but I can’t help but rejoice
and I have heard the song called thunder

but I knew it was your voice

Touch the holes in your calloused hands
stuck my fingers in your side
I was six feet deep in doubt
but now I’m sure that you’re alive

And it’s safe to say we’ll never know everything
still blessings we receive
and it’s safe to say I don’t really know a thing
still I choose to believe

Smell the scent of angels sweet
floating in the summer air

I have breathed in deep the incense
While the saints send up their prayers

I have tasted and now I see
though I see that you are good
and I have ate your perfect body
I have drank your blessed blood

And it’s safe to say we’ll never know everything
still blessings we receive
and it’s safe to say I don’t really know a thing
still I choose to believe

And all the answers that I find
only take me so far down the line
Tracks always give out
Yeah it’s a leap from the lions mouth

and it’s safe to say I don’t really know a thing
still blessings I receive
yeah it’s safe to say I really don’t know a thing
still I choose to believe

it’s been a while since i’ve had a serious relationship. i’ve dated on and off through college but never really had that long lasting relationship that changes you. where you wake up in the morning and you wonder if that person is already awake, where you kiss them goodbye when they leave your house and patiently wait for them to get online only to talk about absolutely nothing for hours on end, where you experience all of the happiness they are experiencing and you feel every ounce of pain that they feel…

I have this now, and right now i’m hurting so badly for my fiancee. Jenny is the Director of Women’s Ministries for Christian Student Fellowship at the Univ. of Nebraska. Her big project of the year is a week long missions trip to Mexico with 50+ college students. She leaves this friday. On Saturday we received horrible news that her 18 year old nephew had passed away in a car accident. Though I have never met the young man, I feel the sadness that she is experiencing.

This is tough because I know that the only thing that will be able to help is time and prayer. I want to make it all ok for her, but I know that I can do nothing but provide my shoulders to cry on, my arms wide open for hugs 24/7, and replenish the kleenex. She will be ok, but if you can please pray for Jenny and her family, I would really appreciate it.

So, now this week she has the burden of planning a major missions trip for many students on top of the grieving process. Being in a relationship where this is the first of many losses we will share together, I need to learn when to be there for her and when to just give her the space she needs…but not confuse the two, ya know?? Like, I want to be there when she needs me and give her space when she needs it….but how do you know when each time is appropriate? I’m sure this will come with time during marriage-after all we have the rest of our lives to figure it out.

All I know is that seeing her cry is one of the worst things in the world. I wish i could shelter her from all of the bad things in life but I can’t…we have to experience these things together.

today as we were talking about the details of the accident, the phone rang and her mom was on the line. suddenly she grabbed my arm and gave me the most beautiful look i have ever seen anyone give me. her mom simply said “it’s great having someone to lean in isn’t it?” as a joke i started singing “lean on me” and the words struck me. this is what marriage is all about.

Lean on me
When you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
Cause for, it won’t be long
Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

During my little joke of a song, the mood changed and the song became a bit more serious, it became a promise to her. a promise to always be there for her, to help her through all of her rough times.

Each day we experience different things, whether it’s hurt, love, joy, or sorrow…and all I know is that I’m glad that I never have to experience any of those without the person I can lean on.

the end of an era has fallen. tonight, i sold my last consolidation for federal student loans. what a relief. don’t get me wrong, it’s a great paying job for a sophomore/junior in college who needs great extra cash…but for a 25 year old man who is 4 months out from getting married–not exactly the dream profession. On March 12th I start my career as a Client Analyst for ITI (Information Technology Inc.) All I have to say about that is PRAISE HIS NAME!! We got through one of the toughest times of our lives and now we can live without this huge weight on our shoulders!!

Enough about that.

I think I’m growing up. I think my tastes for things are changing. I remember being 10 years old playing on my swingset trying my hardest “not to touch the hot lava.” I always told myself that i would never allow myself to become a responsible adult. I remember being 18 and in college, away from the grasp of my dreaded high school girlfriend, thinking that i was on top of the world and from day 1 of my freshman year…life would be a party and i would be the host. I was raised in the catholic church but never really wanted to go. So when I had the choice and the freedom in college, i quit. Now I don’t necessarily think that finding your faith is a huge step in growing up…anybody at any age can find their faith. But I think it has definately propelled me into the man that I once swore that i would never become! For instance, at my new job, i must wear a suit and tie everyday. Tomorrow me and my fiancee (which i never ever thought i’d be saying) will be going to pick out a new suit for me.

The thing that scares me the most about all of this is that I actually enjoy it. I enjoy the fact that I’m getting married and will have a salaried position. I enjoy that in the next two to three years someone will be calling me daddy. I’m reaching a new season in my life, i’m so excited for all of it.

I’m also afraid that I’m not going to be a good husband. This is a role I have never known. I’m afraid that I won’t live up to the man Jenny deserves. Are these normal premarital feelings?? I know there will be bumps and bruises, hurt feelings, tears, but accepting the fact that I’m goign to say dumb things and knowing that I’ll hurt jenny’s feelings more than once will be hard for me to accept. I’m a talk first, think second kind of guy….I always have been. So hunny…you’re beautiful and i love you more than i love the red sox. (that should keep me doghouse free for another month at least)

I guess what I’m getting at is, growing up is hard to do. turning from Mase, to Nicholas, to husband, to daddy is the way it’s going to be. I will never abandon my inner child, I have way too much fun being goofy…but it’s time to finally become a little closer to what God had intended for me.

the things that i’ve gone through over the past 4 months I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I was unemployed for 2 months after thinking I had the perfect job to get me in a situation to take care of Jenny. we didn’t know where rent money was going to come from. Luckily the Lord provided me with this job to provide for me. But I think it was more than this….I don’t think he just gave me the job to pay the bills, i think he wants me to meet a few people and to show him His grace. At Nelnet, nobody knew me…I had a fresh start. Nobody knew of my past and people just saw me as Nick. People saw my tattoos and asked me about them. from this they found out that I was a Christian. everyone watched their mouths around me and wouldn’t really talk to me about their lives outside of work. I sat by this beautiful young woman named Nakisha. Her soul was so full of life and her heart was bigger than anyone i’ve ever met. Her husband is stationed in New Jersey while she’s here in Lincoln struggling basically as a single parent. We had fun but never really talked about my faith or her life or my life. We just had fun. I loved my time sitting next to Kisha. The day before her last day of work at nelnet, she comes close to me and whispers in my ear “you’re Christian right and you’re into prayer & stuff?” I told her that I was and she grabbed my hand and said “i can’t be with my husband anymore, can you please pray for me and my daughter?”

This was my purpose for being at Nelnet. To be there for somebody who needed me the most in her time of need. She left last week and that same week I got my job that I had before I was unemployed. Funny how things work….I really thought that God had put me there to pay my bills but it was sooo soo much more than that. I’ve never experienced this before. Prayer is hands down the biggest part of my Faith, open communication and giving praise. Prayer has got me through my toughest times, when my dad was given 5 years to live, my parents fight, when i lost my job and the possibility of a great job, amongst others. Maybe the purpose for me to go through those rough rough times was to spend 5 minutes in prayer with a random stranger. It seems like a lot for just 5 minutes of prayer but if it helped her….then it was worth every penny that it cost me.

I can’t help but feel good having somebody come to me like this…almost bittersweet. It’s not about me at all, but I love the fact that she came to me….it feels good! I have never had the chance to help minister to someone…to share the grace and love of Christ with another. I’m so excited to move on to a place where more people feel comfortable with me in this situation because in the end….that’s really what it’s all about, having each other to lean on, to show people Christ, and to embrace his enduring love!

In other news, Jenny and I went to Augustana tonight at Knickerbockers and it was the best show i’ve seen in quite some time!! the 2007 concert season has started with a bang, next week the cold war kids at sokol underground!!!

Here are some pics of my three tattoos.

This is an awesome cross I found online.

This is Ephesians 5:2-Live a Life of Love

This is Yahweh in Hebrew